Monday, September 17, 2012

No Vintage Goodies Here .... This Time It's Deep

If you came here for a craft or a recipe
or some delicious vintage sheets.
Come back another day and you will get your wish.

This post is about feelings.

Up until  several weeks ago I have remained untouched by sickness.
My family has been healthy and well forever and a day.
That all changed in an instant.
In a flash.
In a blink.

Just a bit of back story.

My dad left when I was young.
I did not see him for a long time.
That's a pain that got worse as I got older.
He's in my life now.
In what capacity it's hard to say.
We talk on the phone weekly.
I only see him 3-5 times a year
including holidays.
Even though he only lives 45 mins away.
But it works.
For us both.
It's difficult to be too much more.
It's not an issue of forgiveness.
There is just not a relationship, or is there ?
It's confusing.
It wasn't really...until he got sick.
And now I realize how confusing it really is.

It's hard to be there for someone that you are not there for.
I know that sentence goes in circles and appears to make zero sense
 but it's quite accurate if you think about it.
(I just realized when I write about my feelings it appears quite jumbled but
these are my feelings....just trust me...stay with me...ok?)
It feels like it might be harder to lose a parent you never had than to lose a parent you had.
Man...that sentence sounds crazy too.

Now do not mistake that he is dying
He is not.
He is being treated as we speak and we have high hopes.
His doctors are optimistic.
Which is good.
But I had to think about it.
I was kinda forced to.
Death of a parent.
Something I have never had to think about....not in a serious this could really happen sense anyway.

When I think of losing my Dad.
I am forced to do just that.
About all the times we didn't have.
All the things we didn't say.
All the lessons he did not teach me.
All the places we didn't go.
I will lose my Dad and along with that, my chance to have a Dad.
As long as he is still here the above mentioned things can still happen.
Right ?

I am praying that I do right by him while he is sick.
It's difficult when I don't know my place.
It's awkward to demand he tell me every word the Dr. says.
It's awkward to tell him I will be at that appt. with you today.
It's awkward to ask him how he feels.
If he's scared.
If he hurts.
It's awkward because I don't know if he wants me to ask, to be there, to demand.
I don't know my place.

It's unfamiliar territory to be a daughter to my Dad when
for so long we have been more like acquaintances.
But I am going to give it a try.
I love my Dad....and not just because he is my Dad and I should or I am supposed to.
I LOVE my Dad. I care. I worry.  I pray.
But, I have been worrying and praying and caring about his health
about his cancer
about his treatment.
With intent I will care and pray and worry about being the daughter I should be to
the Dad that he is.  Not the Dad he should have been or the Dad I wish he was
but the Dad he is.

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Kate Eschbach said...

I'll be praying for you. This must be a very tough situation. If there is ever anything I can do for you, please let me know.

Smilie girl said...

That's tough. Praying for you as you work it out and for your dad to get better.

Ali Richardson said...

Glad you are getting your thoughts out and working through this complicated situation. I will continue to think happy thoughts for your dad's health and for your relationship to continue to grow in a way that is perfect for both of you.